Pit Stop After Infinity War, or, Fifty Outcomes

It’s out! It’s out! Infinity War is out! And I saw it! Twice! And now the bill has come due and I’ve got to live up to the fifty predictions I made for the film just before going into the theater opening night. I got basically everything and the stuff I didn’t correctly predict is absolutely there in the subtext, so without further adieu, enjoy how impressive I am!

 

 

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Thor and Black Panther “King High-Five”
I mean… maybe off-screen?

2. Ebony Maw is horrifying
This is a bit of a gimme, since he was a total creep with his creepy little “shush” finger in the trailer, but whatever punks, called it!

3. Cap and Doctor Strange “Steve High-Five”
This is a sore one as not only did Cap and Doc not “Steve High-Five,” I also failed to predict that Star-Lord and Spider-Man would “Peter High-Five” and on top of that Star-Lord and Spider-Man didn’t “Peter High-Five”

4. Cull Obsidian turns to camera and says “remember when my name was Black Dwarf? Anyway, where’s Supergiant?
Look all I’m saying is I didn’t understand a word that doofus said, so I’m probably wrong, but, I mean, you don’t know

5. Tony and Doctor Strange “Facial Hair High-Five” a.k.a. “kiss”
Okay I’m “wrong” in the sense that they didn’t actually kiss, but I’m right in the sense that they actually came really, really close

6. Lando shows up
I found this blockbuster both as thought-provoking and as infuriatingly Lando-less at The Last Jedi

7. Hela lives! #goddessofdeath #Avengers4
If I’m being real, this theory was based on Hela replacing the role of Death from Infinity Gauntlet in Infinity War, but if I’m being petty… juries still out suckers!

8. Surely someone makes fun of the name Proxima Midnight
Seemed like a dead-ringer and than no one in Thanos’ Black Order, or the Black Order itself, ever got name checked, aside from Ebony Maw getting the illustrious “half-name-drop”

9. That GD soul stone is in Wakanda whether they know it or not!
Swing and a miss!

10. By the time the movie starts Thanos has already murdered Glen Close and John C. Riley
“Blah, blah, blah Xandar, blah, blah, blah last week.” -Thor. Boom.

11. Tony quips. Cut to: Thanos making “Jim” face
Tempted as I am to try and claim “Jim” face just means a purple face, I can admit when I’m wrong

12. The real Hawkeye was the friends we made along the way
Prove me wrong.

13. Bucky is very unhappy with Cap’s beard and he’s not to keen on his facial hair either
Inconclusive

14. Bucky gets to work on a jealousy beard and starts growing out his facial hair too
Slightly less inconclusive, but he’s got stubble and he certainly had a moment with that racoon!

15. Tony and Pepper already divorced
Even though they didn’t say it’s their first wedding, I’ll own up to this one

16. Red Skull has something to do with something somehow
Alright come on, this one was pretty freaking impressive

17. Vision just gets totally #*%@ed over by the whole mind stone thing
I mean, obviously, but still

18. Groot experimenting with recreation drug use, or the implication of as much
Video game addiction is a thing! But I guess it’s not a drug…

19. The Guardians’ various space-gibberish languages revealed at last!
I’m just saying I did genuinely think this would be a thing

20. Rocket bullies the shit out of Thor
Who’da thunk?

21. Scarlett Witch? She’s just kind of there
Wouldn’t ya know it, the ol’ Witch arguably had more to do than ever before. Spooky!

22. No one invites Ant-Man to the war and when he confronts everyone about it they’re all like “oh you weren’t there? We thought you were just tiny” but they didn’t, they knew
I mean… half right.

23. Justin Hammer saves the day, again
Apparently we’ll have to wait until Avengers 4 to find out… all I’m saying is, Rockwell’s got that Best Supporting Actor Heat

24. Peter Parker still a virgin
Prove me wrong, I dare you

25. Some crafty backpedaling regarding the ol’ Aether
Not a word! Just go with it I guess?

26. Joke or jokes made at the expense of Bruce Banner’s penis
Seemed reasonable at the time

27. Nobody notices Black Widow changed her hair
Boom!

28. No explanation of Thanos’ hat provided
So what? He get’s the space stone and all the sudden he doesn’t need a hat anymore? So it’s, what? A space hat? Huh? Huh?

29. Banner Hulks out in the Hulkbuster armor and is like “Hulk bust!” or some shit
Nope!

30. We find out who bought Avengers tower and it’s just sort of whoever
Nada!

31. Anthony Mackie kills it
Briefly, but I’ll take it!

32. Someone calls Rhodie “Iron Pants,” then remembers he’s disabled, and feels like a dick
But somebody probably thought it

33. Gamora stabs someone or something to death
Thanks, reality stone. More like “BS” stone, amiright? #aether

34. Nebula and Bucky “Metal Arm High-Five”
I don’t think anyone ever high-fived in this whole god-forsaken movie

35. The Outriders are way creepier on film than in LEGO
Look, those LEGOs aren’t creep at all, so, right by default

36. Someone makes fun of Thanos’ chin right to his face
Huzzah!

37. Peter Quill’s Zune has transformed him into an insufferable hipster
Mark my words, they’re holding on to this for Guardians Vol. 3

38. Nobody says anything about the Agents of SHIELD TV show and nobody cares
I said predictions, not impressive predictions

39. Nobody says anything about any of the Netflix Marvel shows and some people care for a second but then they GTFOver it
Not an immortal weapon in sight!

40. Groot in Infinity War is a third Groot and the Baby Groot from Guardians Vol. 2 died off screen and if nothing in the movie explicitly contradicts this than I’m right
Called it!

41. Wong and Thanos go way back
I’m just thinking about prequel sitcom spin-offs here

42. An Avenger gets the gauntlet, but, like, in a bad way?
Not yet anyway…

43. Dinosaurs, surely somehow dinosaurs. Or at least a shark or dragon
Sorry, you did what with the time stone? Anything but bring dinosaurs back alive? Oh, oh okay, sure. Sure, real realistic. Oh brother

44. When Thanos finally gets out of his space chair he puts his hands on his knees and goes “ooooooooooph”
Definitely offscreen though

45. Loki not happy about Cap or Bucky’s beards and he’s not to keen on their facial hair either I’m here all week
Yeah, yeah… rule of threes though!

46. All the white Avengers constantly embarrass Rhodie and Falcon in Wakanda
I mean… didn’t they though? Just in a not funny way?

47. Thor is missing an eye and I’m pretty sure Rocket and Groot stole an eye from the Ravagers and I’m just saying this specific prediction is actually cool and good!
I mean, c’mon! Pretty, pretty, pretty impressive. Maybe not a Ravager, maybe. But c’mon. This should count for all 50

48. Nick Fury finds a way to creep out of a dark corridor even though everyone’s on, like, $&@#ing Pluto
Nope, he just creeps out of the dark and into our hearts and souls in this one

49. Someone acknowledges Mantis
Mantis actually had, like, stuff to do in this movie!

50. Thanos is at least 38
Inconclusive, but you sure as shit ain’t going to convince me he’s 37

 

Come back next year for, I don’t know, like 100 predictions for Avengers 4? Maybe some Ant-Man & the Wasps predictions in July? This is so much easier than baking hot takes.

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Road to Infinity War – Captain America: The First Avenger, or, Chad Kroeger featuring Josey Scott

Oh I did it fam. In preparation for my viewing of Avengers: Infinity War on April 26th at 7PM, I went back and rewatched the previous 18 films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, from Iron Man to Black Panther. Every day leading up to Infinity War I’ll be posting a short piece on each film and my most recent hot takes on nearly a decade of the MCU. I’ll also be linking back to whatever old nonsense I wrote about the movies at the time, if applicable. And if that isn’t enough, check out my ranked listed of the MCU to date on my Letterboxd account here.

firstavenger

Someone’s been taking their Weight Gain 4000.

I did not care for this movie when it came out in theaters. I can still remember sitting there, tired and perturbed, feeling slighted by the fact that all of the cool action stuff from the trailers seemed crammed into one montage. And the musical number? What the hell?

It’s fitting then that much as Steve Rogers is set up from the get go to be a sort of equal and opposite of Tony Stark, Captain America: The First Avenger has aged spectacularly in direct opposition to Iron Man, which certainly shows its age at this point.

Prior to Captain America the heroes of the Marvel universe were the arrogant and powerful made humble. Even Bruce Banner finds himself in the position he’s in because of his scientific overconfidence in the pursuit of recreating the super soldier formula we’re finally introduced to here. But where Stark, Banner and Thor are all powerful men in one respect or another, who are humbled and forced to reexamine their power, Steve Rogers is humble, gets power, and remains humble. And I’ll be damned if Chris Evans’ performance isn’t pitch perfect immediately. Over the course of Winter Soldier and Civil War I really fell in love with Evans’ performance, but looking back at his first outing he’s always brought a fidelity of character to Steve Rogers such that there can be no doubting that the scrawny dweeb getting beat up in an alley and the super boy scout doing curls with a helicopter are one and the same.

It’s fascinating to look back at The First Avenger, plot Cap’s course throughout the MCU and consider that while he and Stark have both changed how they interact with the world around them, they are largely, fundamentally the same people they were in the beginning. Going into Infinity War Tony Stark’s ego is still writ large across the MCU, only now it takes the form of a guilty conscience with a savior complex, and Steve Rogers is still a pillar of morality and righteousness, but the stage on which he acts has grown exponentially and the definitions of morality and righteousness have only grown murkier with scale. In retrospect, even from Phase 1 of the MCU, Civil War feels absolutely unavoidable.

It’s also fascinating to look back at The First Avenger. Period. This movie looks absolutely amazing. It’s almost like it was directed by a legendary concept artist responsible for the likes of Boba Fett and the AT-AT. This alternate WWII is stunning. Hydra’s soldiers and technology are pulpy and sinister without looking goofy or distressingly anachronistic, and the art-deco tinged Stark Expo feels ripped from 1940s visions of the future.

The action also holds up way better than I remembered and it’s clear that even before the Russos got involved with the characters the powers-that-be at Marvel had some ideas about the vocabulary of Cap’s movements and how his super-strength is communicated visually and aurally.

And Bucky. And Peggy Carter. And Hugo Weaving’s the Red Skull. And Tommy Lee Jones. And Stanley Tucci. Time and time again Captain America films have exceptional supporting casts and The First Avenger was no exception.

When I saw Civil War for the first time I felt like Chris Evans had grown into an embodiment of cinematic superheroism gleamed perhaps only once before in Christopher Reeves’ Superman. Rewatching First Avenger I realize he’s always embodied that sort of heroism. There’s a sincerity and a sense of purpose to Evans’ Captain America that perhaps as a younger man I could scoff at and write off as corny. But having aged out of some small portion of my youthful cynicism and having watched all the external and internal battles Cap has had to fight to maintain that purpose and sincerity, I couldn’t help but watch First Avenger with a fondness and excitement and awe that utterly surprised me.

Thor left audiences with a question of sorts: what can the likes of Thor, Iron Man and the Hulk do against a vast cosmos of potential antagonism? The First Avengers is a sly, knowing answer.