Road to Infinity War – End of the Road, or, Fifty Predictions

Spending as much time as I have over the last two months watching and rewatching Marvel movies and slinging those hot, hot takes left and right I have steeped myself in the MCU, priming my ability to divine what is to come when I sit down for Infinity War tonight in meer hours. Hours people! With that in mind, I’ve compiled the fruits of my expert analysis in this list of educated predictions, which I will reflect on after I see the film. Peruse at your own risk, as they contain spoilers for all the Marvel films up to Infinity War and, lets be honest, are probably mostly accurate and therefor probably spoil all of Infinity War. Proceed with caution dear reader! K here:

SPOILER ALERT!

1. Thor and Black Panther “King High-Five”

2. Ebony Maw is horrifying

3. Cap and Doctor Strange “Steve High-Five”

4. Cull Obsidian turns to camera and says “remember when my name was Black Dwarf? Anyway, where’s Supergiant?”

5. Tony and Doctor Strange “Facial Hair High-Five” a.k.a. “kiss”

6. Lando shows up

7. Hela lives! #goddessofdeath #Avengers4

8. Surely someone makes fun of the name Proxima Midnight

9. That GD soul stone is in Wakanda whether they know it or not!

10. By the time the movie starts Thanos has already murdered Glen Close and John C. Riley

11. Tony quips. Cut to: Thanos making “Jim” face

12. The real Hawkeye was the friends we made along the way

13. Bucky is very unhappy with Cap’s beard and he’s not to keen on his facial hair either

14. Bucky gets to work on a jealousy beard and starts growing out his facial hair too

15. Tony and Pepper already divorced

16. Red Skull has something to do with something somehow

17. Vision just gets totally #*%@ed over by the whole mind stone thing

18. Groot experimenting with recreation drug use, or the implication of as much

19. The Guardians’ various space-gibberish languages revealed at last!

20. Rocket bullies the shit out of Thor

21. Scarlett Witch? She’s just kind of there

22. No one invites Ant-Man to the war and when he confronts everyone about it they’re all like “oh you weren’t there? We thought you were just tiny” but they didn’t, they knew

23. Justin Hammer saves the day, again

24. Peter Parker still a virgin

25. Some crafty backpedaling regarding the ol’ Aether

26. Joke or jokes made at the expense of Bruce Banner’s penis

27. Nobody notices Black Widow changed her hair

28. No explanation of Thanos’ hat provided

29. Banner Hulks out in the Hulkbuster armor and is like “Hulk bust!” or some shit

30. We find out who bought Avengers tower and it’s just sort of whoever

31. Anthony Mackie kills it

32. Someone calls Rhodie “Iron Pants,” then remembers he’s disabled, and feels like a dick

33. Gamora stabs someone or something to death

34. Nebula and Bucky “Metal Arm High-Five”

35. The Outriders are way creepier on film than in LEGO

36. Someone makes fun of Thanos’ chin right to his face

37. Peter Quill’s Zune has transformed him into an insufferable hipster

38. Nobody says anything about the Agents of SHIELD TV show and nobody cares

39. Nobody says anything about any of the Netflix Marvel shows and some people care for a second but then they GTFOver it

40. Groot in Infinity War is a third Groot and the Baby Groot from Guardians Vol. 2 died off screen and if nothing in the movie explicitly contradicts this than I’m right

41. Wong and Thanos go way back

42. An Avenger gets the gauntlet, but, like, in a bad way?

43. Dinosaurs, surely somehow dinosaurs. Or at least a shark or dragon

44. When Thanos finally gets out of his space chair he puts his hands on his knees and goes “ooooooooooph”

45. Loki not happy about Cap or Bucky’s beards and he’s not to keen on their facial hair either I’m here all week

46. All the white Avengers constantly embarrass Rhodie and Falcon in Wakanda

47. Thor is missing an eye and I’m pretty sure Rocket and Groot stole an eye from the Ravagers and I’m just saying this specific prediction is actually cool and good!

48. Nick Fury finds a way to creep out of a dark corridor even though everyone’s on, like, $&@#ing Pluto

49. Someone acknowledges Mantis

50. Thanos is at least 38

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