Food For Thought, or, Celebrities Read Mean Tweets: The Spreadsheet

Read this understanding that I majored in English. Not Math. And that the tweets below contain explicit language. What do you want from me? I didn’t write them.

I’m definitely a bigger fan of Twitter than I ever was of Facebook. I could give you a laundry list of reasons, but by and large I’ve found the biggest is simply that Twitter feels lighter. I guess folks are less inclined to rant about their day or the news and the like in 144 characters than they are to make a hilarious joke or observation. There’s a time and a place for entertainment, and a time and a place for social discourse, and I’ve found that Twitter provides me with the former.

Not that I won’t keep doggedly posting everything I write to my Facebook page.

The tweets from the streets.

The tweets from the streets.

But Jimmy Kimmel’s recurring segment, “Celebrities Mean Read Tweets,” in which celebrities (you guessed it) read particularly heinous tweets directed at them has gone a long way toward disillusioning my opinion of what I thought was a generally more light-hearted social media outlet.

I watched the most recent installment of Celebrities Read Mean Tweets (#7) repeatedly and laughed heartily at the reactions of Matthew McConaughey and Emma Stone as they read the jabs of aimless internet haters aloud. It was pretty entertaining. And then it took a turn.

I went back and watched the older installments and in #3 actress Christina Applegate reads a tweet in which someone calls her an old slut.

Whoa, huh?

In that same installment Kristie Alley reads a tweet in which someone calls her an old whore.

A lot of the tweets featured on Celebrities Read Mean Tweets are preposterous enough that they don’t really sting all that much. But some of them are pretty venomous.

A perfectly reasonable deduction given she's a human being you've never met.

A perfectly reasonable deduction given she’s a human being you’ve never met.

And that got me thinking. And like anyone else, when I get thinking, I make a spreadsheet. Of every tweet featured on Celebrities Read Mean Tweets. Broken down by gender and the nature of the criticism lobbied against the target.

I made my spreadsheet expecting to find that female celebrities were overwhelmingly insulted in regards to their sexuality and appearance (a radical hypothesis, I know). But what I walked away with in the end was a pretty obvious conclusion that I’d never really taken to heart before.

Everyone is insulted for anything and there’s legitimately almost no reason for any of these tweets. Not “no good reason,” mind you. No reason.

I ended up breaking the 95 tweets featured thus far down into several categories (with some tweets fitting into more than one category). My categorization is certainly debatable however, as quantifying baseless insults isn’t a science.

After reading through the tweets I found they consisted of insults relating to age, appearance and talent, as well as just general disdain and straight-up sexual harassment. There were also single instances of a threat of violence (towards Andy Dick) and an insult that was at least vaguely extrapolated upon (Tim Robbins is a “cock” because he is pretentious).

Of the 95 celebrities insulted 31 were women, 32 if you count the band No Doubt. 44% of the women insulted were insulted for their appearance, 31% were just generally insulted (“get a life”) and just 6% were insulted because of their perceived talent or lack thereof. 22% were sexually harassed, with the understanding that, for the sake of differentiating variables in my spreadsheet, sexual harassment (“hoe,” “whore,” “slut,” etc.) and insulting someone’s appearance (“so ugly”) have been put into two different categories. There was also one tweet (3%) regarding an actress’ age.

Huh?

Huh?

63 male celebrities have thus far been featured in Celebrities Read Mean Tweets. Again, 64 if you count the band No Doubt. 42% were insulted for their appearance and, as with the female celebrities, 31% were generally insulted (“is a huge d-bag”), while 12% were insulted because of their perceived talent or lack thereof (two times more than in women). 14% of men were sexually harassed, almost exclusively in regards to their sexuality or the size of their penises. As previously mentioned, 1% (1 tweet each) were threatened with violence or insulted with some semblance of a reason. And at 1% more than women, 4% of men were insulted because of their age.

But it’s when you stop dividing the insults by gender that things really get interesting.

43% of these tweets, which are for all intents and purposes lobbed at complete strangers by complete strangers (I don’t care if you’ve heard of Julia Roberts, she is a stranger to you), regard someone’s personal appearance. 17% would get you fired from any half-civilized workplace for sexual harassment.

And just over 1% of them offer any reason whatsoever for entirely unwarranted aggression.

But at the end of the day my spreadsheet is hardly scientific. Is hoping someone’s dick falls off in public general disdain, as I’ve categorized it, or sexual harassment? Should one Tweet leveled at the two-man band Tenacious D count for two entries? Should Larry King, who was insulted twice, count as only one entry? These are the questions of our time.

And there’s a lot I don’t know about these Tweets. Who picked them? And how did they pick them? And how are the celebrities in question chosen? Are there celebrities that refrained from reading a mean tweet?

But with that in mind, here’s my spreadsheet. I don’t boast it’s mathematical, sociological or statistical accuracy, but the tweets and my categories are all there.

I’m not sure a delightful spreadsheet of mean tweets aimed at various celebrities says anything about anything, but it left me feeling like the whole practice was, if nothing else, exceedingly strange. Not that I won’t be probably laughing come Celebrities Read Mean Tweets 8.

Keeping in mind that no matter what you say I definitely made a spreadsheet and no one can take that away from me, what do you think?

CELEBRITY GENDER MEAN TWEET CATEGORY INSTALLMENT
Jessica Alba Female “I just saw Jessica Alba, if this were 2007, I’d be really excited.” Age #4
Kristen Bell Female “…is so fucking ugly…” Appearance #1
Kathy Griffin Female “…root causes of why Redheads are perceived to be the spawn of Satan.” Appearance #1
Jessica Biel Female “…has horse teeth.” Appearance #3
Elisabeth Moss Female “I can’t figure out if Elisabeth Moss is attractive or not” Appearance #4
Jessica Simpson Female “I already know when I get pregnant I’m going to pull a Jessica Simpson and gain 598 pounds” Appearance #4
Julie Bowen Female “Bitch, how you look anorexic and fat all at once?” Appearance #4
Amy Poehler Female “What in the fuck is up with Amy Poehler’s face? Bitch looks like she survived a nuclear blast” Appearance #5
Jennifer Garner Female “…looks like a duck’s vagina…” Appearance #6
Cate Blanchett Female “…is fucking gross dude” Appearance #6
Julia Roberts Female “…gigantic mouth” Appearance #7
Emma Stone Female “…looks like she smells like cat piss” Appearance #7
Kristen Stewart Female “I liked Kristen Stewart more when she was a boy” Appearance/Sexual Harassment #2
Christina Applegate Female “…you were better when you wore Spandex instead of Spanx, you old slut.” Appearance/Sexual Harassment #3
Mindy Kaling Female “…is not funny or attractive…” Appearance/Talent #7
Roseanne Barr Female “…get a life” General Disdain #1
Anna Faris Female “If you change the ‘I’ in Anna Faris’ last name to a “t” you get Anna Farts” General Disdain #1
Busy Philips Female “…is not a Dixie Chick?” General Disdain #1
Katy Perry Female “Would rather chop my arm off & fuck myself with my detached limb than watch Katie Perry The Movie…” General Disdain #2
Zooey Deschanel Female “…is overrated” General Disdain #2
Hayden Panettiere Female “No one else finds Hayden Panettiere intolerable” General Disdain #3
Kate Mara Female “…is on the list of people who I don’t understand why anyone likes” General Disdain #4
Sharon Stone Female “…I hate that bitch” General Disdain #5
Julia Louis-Dreyfus Female “Look at me… I was on Seinfeld… Fuck you bitch” General Disdain #5
June Squibb Female “…fuck off…” General Disdain #7
Snookie Female “If you climbed inside Sooki’s vagina it would probably be like the fucking Pacific Ocean.” Sexual Harassment #2
Kristie Alley Female “…is a dirty whore, there I said it.” Sexual Harassment #3
Courtney Cox Female “…I fucking hate her. Pussy hoe” Sexual Harassment #7
Sofia Vergara Female “…sounds like she has a dick in her mouth…” Sexual Harassment #7
Sarah Silverman Female “I wanna pee in Sarah Silverman’s face, no reason behind it” Sexual Harassment #6
Selena Gomez Female “…is on the radio right now. Is there a volume lower than mute?” Talent #3
Matt LeBlanc Male “…looks so old” Age #2
David Arquette Male “…got old” Age #3
Dennis Quaid Male “Great acting… you old irrelevant pig” Age #5
Will Arnett Male “…looks like Dracula” Appearance #1
Danny McBride Male “If Mike Piazza’s hair caught fire and someone put it out with an iron skillet…” Appearance #2
Larry King Male “…if you skinned [King} & ironed out his leather… enough coats [for] every poor child in America” Appearance #2
Matisyahu Male “…looks like old, fat Justin Bieber.” Appearance #2
Larry King Male “I saw Larry King at dinner, but I might have been just a run of the mill goblin.” Appearance #3
Dr. Phil Male “…why don’t you shut the fuck up you bald-headed, big-mouthed hillbilly.” Appearance #3
Anderson Cooper Male “I’m not being mean but why does Anderson Cooper remind me of dinosaurs?” Appearance #3
Brian Cranston Male “…more like mushy in the middle. Lose some weight…” Appearance #3
Andy Samberg Male “Whenever someone tells me that I look like Andy Samberg they’re basically saying: “Guess how big your nose is… very big” Appearance #4
Kid Rock Male “…looks like he would smell like stale farts and cigarettes” Appearance #4
Ray Romano Male “It’s a good thing Ray Romano is funny because his face looks like a dump I took today” Appearance #4
John Krasinski Male “Your face is so stupid I hate you…” Appearance #5
Chris O’Donnell Male “…has a potato face…” Appearance #5
Mark Ruffalo Male “…that’s the face you’re going with? God this movie’s gonna suck” Appearance #5
Dean Norris Male “…is just a fat Bruce Willis” Appearance #5
George Clooney Male “…looking forward to the day when the world stops sucking George Clooney’s twat. Lump faced bastard” Appearance #6
Bob Balaban Male “…my stomach turns when I see that goofy little worm” Appearance #6
Joseph Gordon-Levitt Male “…looks like a Q-tip” Appearance #6
Rob Lowe Male “…looks like skin cancer” Appearance #6
David Blaine Male “…looks like his voice is putting his face to sleep” Appearance #7
Don Rickles Male “…looks like Yoda” Appearance #7
Nick Offerman Male “…hands seem crazy small compared to his head” Appearance #5
Tom Arnold Male “…you are an inspiration to all fat dumps who love cocaine and love to fuck fat disgusting chicks…” Appearance/Sexual Harassment #3
Tenacious D Male “…you guys are like Lennon and McCartney, only fatter and gayer.” Appearance/Sexual Harassment #3
Kevin Bacon Male “Oi gayboy I’m fed up of see your fuck ugly face on my TV…” Appearance/Sexual Harassment #5
Kit Harrington Male “…is a pretty terrible Jon Snow… seems like a big bitch with a stupid look on his face” Appearance/Talent #7
Russell Brand Male “…a hairy, non funny twat” Appearance/Talent #4
Joel McHale Male “… is a huge d-bag General Disdain #1
Will Ferrell Male “…fucking dumb”/”…is a fucking fool” General Disdain #1
James Van Der Beek Male “There’s a new show where James Van Der Beek plays James Van Der Beek… this is the apocalypse…” General Disdain #2
David Spade Male “fuck David Spade” General Disdain #2
Simon Cowell Male “…you my friend are a dick.” General Disdain #3
Adam Scott Male “Fuck Adam Scott” General Disdain #3
Brad Paisley Male “Fuck Brad Paisley and his fucking country singing fucking face” General Disdain #4
Larry David Male “…shut the fuck up” General Disdain #5
Jon Hamm Male “…I hate Jon Hamm” General Disdain #6
John Goodman Male “That ‘butter’ that they put on your popcorn in movie theaters? It’s actually made from John Goodman’s ball sweat” General Disdain #6
Tom Hanks Male “…is a whiner… Fuck. You…” General Disdain #6
Benedict Cumberbatch Male “…what a dickhead” General Disdain #6
Don Cheadle Male “…so fucking wack. Honestly” General Disdain #7
Ashton Kutcher Male “…needs to get hit by a bus. ASAP” General Disdain #7
Andy Garcia Male “…fuck Andy Garcia” General Disdain #7
Matthew McConaughey Male “…is a dick turd” General Disdain #7
Jeremy Piven Male “I hope Jeremy Piven’s dick falls off. In public.” General Disdain #7
Gary Oldman Male “…sucks and his accents are fucking annoying…” General Disdain #7
Kevin Nealon Male “You suck fat balls.” General Disdain/Sexual Harassment #1
Justin Bieber Male “Dear God, give us back Tupac and we’ll give you Justin Bieber.” General Disdain/Talent #2
Louis C.K. Male “You are a big pussy. Pussy.” Sexual Harassment #1
Aaron Paul Male “…has a small dick” Sexual Harassment #5
Jason Bateman Male “…is gay? Who knew.” Sexual Harassment #1
Jason Biggs Male “…that dude has a dirty dick” Sexual Harassment #5
Christopher Mintz-Plasse Male “MCLOVIN SUCKS ON CHODE” Sexual Harassment #5
David Cross Male “…is not my kind of comedian” Talent #1
Zach Braff Male “…I could take a picture of a piece of shit in my toilet and it would be a better movie than Garden State” Talent #4
Kevin James Male “Is there a kickstarer campaign for Kevin James to NEVER make another movie?” Talent #5
Bill Murray Male “…not funny” Talent #6
Ethan Hawke Male “…wasn’t supposed to be a movie star, but he slipped through the cracks” Talent #7
Andy Dick Male “Can it be my turn to punch @andydick until there’s bones in his stool?” Threat of Violence #1
Tim Robbins Male “…what a pretentious cock” Vaguely Extrapolated Insult #6
Eric Stonestreet Male “…why so awkward and yelly?” General Disdain #3
No Doubt Group “…the only thing in doubt is whether your music makes me want to puke… or kill myself and then puke…” Talent #4
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