DC Comics won Comic Con 2013. I’m no expert, and it’s just my opinion, but it’s a goddamn fact. Sure, sure, Avengers 2. Sure, sure, Ultron. But Batman versus Superman? The gauntlet has been dropped like a nuclear bomb y’all.
The World’s Greatest Detective and the Man of Steel are going to be together, on screen, in a live action movie for the first time since the dawn of time. It’s kind of a bid deal. After the success of Man of Steel some sort of announcement regarding the presumed expansion of the DC Film Universe was expected, but now that the announcement is official expectations are set and tensions are high amongst fans.
Warner Bros. is likely experiencing similar bouts of tension after the announcement as they now have to meet high expectations, exceed low ones and live up to the massive shadow cast by the near universal praise garnered by Marvel’s The Avengers and its imminent sequel, set for release the same summer.
Luckily, in my infinite generosity, I’ve decided to offer my services to Warner Bros. pro bono because let’s face it, an excellent Batman vs. Superman film is a win for us all. So the following proposals and propositions I address to you, Warner Bros., DC Entertainment, Zack Snyder, David Goyer and the like. Those laymen reading this post can feel free to read on, but be forewarned, the rest of this post is dripping with Hollywood insider lingo and the like. So yeah, it’s pretty dense gang.
Right off the Bat (budum-cha): what are you stupid? Don’t call it Batman vs. Superman. Don’t even call it Superman vs. Batman. In fact, just nix the word “versus” all together because you aren’t making a Godzilla movie. And while you’re at it get rid of the words “Batman” and “Superman” too. Five years later nobody it talking about Heath Ledger’s performance in “Batman 2.” Get your cabeza out of your tucus. You’re movies called “World’s Finest.”
Again, pro bono. You’re welcome.
Secondly, with the right spin Man of Steel can lead perfectly into World’s Finest. By the end of Man of Steel Metropolis is a goddamn ruin and the obliteration is at least 33% Kal El’s fault. Who could step in to clean up the wreckage? Who has the financial muscle, the political prowess and the ever-so-subtly-placed fleet of corporate trucks necessary to rebuild a sprawling city scape? Lex mother-trucking Luthor.
Spoiler alert: You’re going to get Idris Elba to play Luthor. But more on that later. Again, all from the goodness of my own heart, free of charge. No ulterior motives here, WB.
So you’ve got Lex Luthor/Idis Elba. You’ve got a reason for his distaste for Superman that simultaneously corrects audience’s major grievance over Man of Steel and serves as a springboard to a confrontation for the two rivals. Now you’re set for Batman and you bring him in not as the Dark Knight, but as the billionaire playboy.
What, Lex Luthor’s the only hyper-rich public figure looking to better the world? Having Bruce Wayne and Wayne Enterprises step in to offset the financial burden of rebuilding Metropolis is a no-brainer. And having Batman put his detective skills to work trying to find out all he can about the massive potential threat posed by Superman naturally follow. As would some sort of heinous scheme on Luthor’s part.
I know, I know. You are so welcome. But let me finish. It’s the least you can do. After all I’ve asked for nothing in return for my narrative brilliance.
In Batman, Superman and Lex Luthor you have three characters that would quickly become extremely suspicious of one another, after all in an origin story none of them would have a true understanding of the others’ intentions. Watching the three comic book titans feel each other out and form and break alliances as they learn more about one another would be a pretty amazing ride, but as natural as the conflict and characters seem to come together it’s still needs something to push it the extra mile. Something on par with the “Downey Jr. factor.”
Picture it: Lex Luthor leaves a deceitful trail of evidence and dupes Batman into battle with Superman, playing the heroes against each other all the while pushing his own bald goals forward. Batman is looking pretty angry on account of he thinks Superman is being a dick. Superman is pretty pissed because this weirdo in a cape is all up in his grill acting like a butt. Batman is all like “I’m about to take you down Pooper-man” and Superman is all like “Good luck Butt-man.”
And then a massive hammerhead shark eats both of them and Lex Luthor and Metropolis and then Aquaman comes and fights the shit out of it for the last three-quarters of the movie.
I know what you’re thinking WB: this is gold. But who could we get to play Aquaman on such short notice?
Well, remember how I did all of that brain-storming for you pro bono? Pro bono means free. Like no payment necessary or anything. So, that was pretty cool of me. I mean I have a lot of cool characteristics; my roguish good looks, my chiseled jaw line, my ability to swim butterfly stroke, but definitely my doing all that work for you guys for free was pretty cool of me. If only there were some way you guys could repay men.
Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, right, Aquaman.
So yeah, after about the 30 minute mark in World’s Finest Aquaman just starts wailing on this hammerhead shark with his ocean powers and his trident. And the hammerhead shark wails on Aquaman with its hammer-shaped head (fun fact: the hammerhead is actually named after the shape of its head). Anyway, this goes on for probably two, two and a half hours. They fight continent by continent, sinking each one into the depths as they go until Aquaman gets bored. Then he lights a cigarette and takes a deep, deep drag. He puffs the smoke out of his nose, looks at the camera and winks.
Slam to black.
I know, I know, who would ever be willing to take on the strenuous role of Aquaman, particularly in such a physically and emotionally demanding performance? I don’t know guys. It’s a tough problem, but a good problem to have. And considering how lucky you got with me giving you all these awesome ideas pro bono, I’m sure you’ll figure something out. After all think of all the extra time you’ll have since you don’t have to dig around in the ol’ company check book to pay me. Man, that was cool of me.
Anyway, as I said, a fantastic Batman/Superman movie is in all of our best interests and I hope my pro bono assistance can help you guys at WB bring audiences across the world the best film you can make. Good night and good luck.
Make me Aquaman.