Homeward Bound III, or, Jurassic Park 4 – Jurassic Park 1: 3D

Guess which one's stupidest. The answer might surprise you... because it's all of them.

Guess which one’s stupidest. The answer might surprise you… because it’s all of them.

Until I was three years old my favorite movie was Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. It was about a stupid dog that got eaten by a porcupine and a stupid cat that jumped off of a waterfall and a slightly less stupid dog that was just kind of like “LOL WTF R U doing with that porcupine waterfall?” Basically they get lost and then they get Homeward Bound on the Incredible Journey. Like the title. Homeward Bound.  The Incredible Journey.

Every day I would watch Homeward Bound and every day I would cry my eyes out when the cat jumped off the waterfall like an idiot. It was a vicious cycle of abject horror followed by brilliant relief and violent self-loathing – but it was also the greatest film I had ever seen. Until I was three years old.

I saw Jurassic Park for the first time when I was three years old and I have literally never stopped watching it ever since save for those few belligerent hours a day that are plagued by the cumbersome burden of sleep. It is without a doubt one of my all-time favorite movies, but beyond that I would argue that it is one of the most fantastic movies ever made.

I mean, there’s a T-Rex. And it eats a guy. While he’s pooping.

Also there is a fat kid, who kind of looks like a fat lady, and this guy is trying to look at a dinosaur porn GIF on his MacBook and then he gets a virus or something and he is not happy and this fat kid comes up and is all like “I’m fat like a turkey” and this guy is like “Oh man, make my day you little harlot” and then he takes out a dinosaur toe and is like “I’m going to gut your fat little turkey belly and gobble you up for Thanksgiving you chubby bitch” and the fat boy is all “Oh man, I better shut the hell up” and then he shuts the hell up real quick.

Step aside Citizen Lame.

Naturally, I was pretty pumped to hear that the flick was going to be in theaters again, as of April 5th. Jurassic Park has bewildered me time and time again on VHS and then DVD and now Blu-Ray, but on the big screen it’s something else entirely. The iconic, wall shaking bellow of the T-Rex, the cold howl of clever girls, massive dinosaurs bursting through trees and fences galore – Jurassic Park was made to be experienced on the big screen.

Oh. But it’s also in 3D now.

I know I may be speaking out of line. I know I might be poking an angry bee hive. I know I may be invalidating hundreds of extra dollars spent on tickets to 3D movies, but some things need to be said no matter whose feelings get hurt.

3D sucks, you guys. 3D sucks.

If 3D were a Homeward Bound movie it would be Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco. Guess what I remember about that movie. Nothing. Guess how many times that movie made me cry. None. Guess what kind of critical reception that movie received. Mixed.

Sure, you would think that considering how awesome one T-Rex is, seeing one T-Rex times three with glasses that make you look like a godamn idiot would make it considerably more awesome because math. But it turns out it’s just a dumb gimmick that makes every other movie ever made look less like a vibrant piece of cinema and more like a vibrant piece of shit, all while making you the viewer look like a vibrant douche bag with mix-match plastic ray bans.

But it isn’t just dumb. It isn’t just tacky. It isn’t just a veiled excuse to yank another five bucks out of the wallets of viewers everywhere – is it? It’s irresponsible.

The 3D conversion of classic films like Jurassic Park is irresponsible.

The rerelease is a textbook infuriating example of man’s reach far exceeding man’s grasp. Can man update and release movies in a format that makes the audience put their collective hands in front of their collective faces to feel collective nothing like a collective sack of stupid? Yep. But should they?

Should they?

(No.)

I know that Hollywood won’t listen to me about the idiocy of 3D movies, but they need to listen to someone, or something. If only there was some piece of literature that could illustrate to Hollywood the dangers of recklessly using new technologies just for the sake of using new technologies with no concern for the consequences of using said new technologies. Would that such a novel existed! Would that such a film existed!

Without 3D, who the hell would want to watch this?

Without 3D, who the hell would want to watch this?

Perhaps one day a bright, talented individual could write a book, or film a movie that could highlight everything that might go wrong when an entity with vast wealth and resources exploits spiffy, shiny technological advances for financial gain and then recklessly unleashes the results of said exploits on the general public.

Maybe it could be about an older gentleman with an ungodly fortune and some sort of isolated venue which he uses to display some sort of awe-inspiring scientific wonder or something in the form of some sort of estate or a playground or something and it ends up not working out 100% great.

I’m just spit balling here, but if the right person took that premise and ran with it they could have an amazing book that, if the right person took it and ran with it, could become one of my all-time favorite movies and arguably one of the greatest movies ever made.

A movie like that would show Hollywood that what they’re doing is stupid.

And they would never convert a movie like that to 3D.

 

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One thought on “Homeward Bound III, or, Jurassic Park 4 – Jurassic Park 1: 3D

  1. Listen, I get what your saying, but what sort of red-blooded, dinosaur loving, STRAIGHT man wouldn’t want to see THIS in IMAX 3D?!

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