I Will Have a Meaningul Discussion About the Moral Gray Areas of American History When I’m Dead, or, Bigelowing!

I was pretty excited when Sony announced the imminent release of the PlayStation 4, and I’ll probably preorder the shit out of one because I’m a card carrying member of youth culture. Maybe you’ve heard of us. We’re kind of a big deal. But part of being a card carrying member of youth culture is remaining a constant denizen of a neat-o burrito little town I like to call the cutting edge.

And let me tell you, the PS4 is not what is trending on the cutting edge.

Allow me to be the first to introduce you troglodytes to the absolute latest pop culture meme, an activity to rival the break dancing craze or the planking craze or the meth craze.

Allow me to introduce you to Bigelowing.

Don’t you hate it when the right people are blamed for doing the wrong things? Don’t you wish that instead of blame being placed solely on the shoulders of the responsible, you could wait for someone else to say “hey, that thing that happened happened” and then blame the shit out of them?

Of course you do, you’re no idiot!

What the hell are you trying to pull Kathryn?

What the hell are you trying to pull Kathryn?

If you haven’t seen Kathryn Bigelow’s latest film, Zero Dark Thirty, you should. Good or bad there’s inarguably no other movie quite like it. The story is told with a brisk Call of Duty pacing that takes viewers through countries and years alike. The cast is massive and fantastic, filled to the brim with the likes of Stannis and Sinestro and led by Jessica Chastain in performance of badass bureaucratic brilliance. The climax is as gut wrenching and suspenseful as they come.

Oh and it’s about Bin Laden.

Also they water board a guy.

Which is, of course, Kathryn Bigelow’s fault.

Bigelowing!

All of the cool kids are doing it, but be careful because Bigelowing is only for the coolest of cucumbers.

Quentin Tarantino’s latest film, Django Unchained, was by most accounts one badass flick. Unfortunately, by most accounts it also depicts the extreme brutality of slavery in the antebellum American south, including the use of the “N” word. In fact I have it on good authority that Django Unchained may make use of the “N” word a staggering more than one times!  So yeah, Quentin Tarantino is a racist. Bigelowing!

Waterboarding is an extremely touchy subject and something of a moral quandary. Slavery is a blemish on American history that has been swept under the rug like an unfortunate mishap. It’s hard to fit these more undesirable aspects of American culture into the paradigm of traditional American values and doing so would require a no holds bar, brutally honest conversation about the skeletons in America’s closet. Maybe even a discussion.

Which would be dumb, because who would want to do that when there’s Bigelowing!

Would a meaningful dialogue between neighbors about the portrayal of slavery in Django yield potentially enlightening results and a healthy mixing of opinions? Maybe. But it is not nearly as baller as calling Tarantino a racist! And if I have to choose between enlightenment and balling nine times out of nine I ball so hard. After all, Quentin Tarantino is such a racist! Look at the facts:

Tarantino made a movie highlighting the brutality of slavery that is often times glossed over or completely left out of slavery’s portrayal in the classroom and history books, reminding America of a massive atrocity in its history that can never simply be forgotten.

More like Django Chained. Because it's racist.

More like Django Chained. Because it’s racist.

As far as I’m concerned Tarantino segregated the American public school system and founded the KKK.

And don’t think Kathryn Bigelow is off the hook either. She made a film depicting the use of an interrogation technique admittedly used by the United States government. What’s she trying to do – get us to discuss the morality and effectiveness of interrogation tactics in the war on terror?

Way to run electrodes from a rusted old car battery to the genitals of the United States of America, Kathy! What are you going to do next, rip out America’s fingernails with blood soaked pliers?

Today at recess I was hanging out on the jungle gym doing weed when I saw a fat kid with braces and a speech impediment. Naturally, I shoved him in the mud. All of the sudden some ho-ass teacher is hollering in my face and dragging me to the principal’s office. Luckily for me the very first words out of her mouth were “Hey, this kid pushed another fatter, dumber kid into the mud.”

Gotcha bitch!

Naturally, by bringing up the very occurrence of the entirely real happening, the blame fell squarely on her shoulders, she was fired a year shy of pension and her and her destitute family starved to death because I Bigelowed the shit out of her.

Did it make sense for her to drag me to the principal, hold me responsible for my actions and start an open dialogue about a happenstance within her community? I don’t know you weirdo! And I don’t give a shit!

Better luck next time teach. Why don’t you send me a letter from hell? My address is the cutting edge.

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One thought on “I Will Have a Meaningul Discussion About the Moral Gray Areas of American History When I’m Dead, or, Bigelowing!

  1. Whenever I miss you, I just come and read this article. I’ve read it hundreds of times.

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