20,000 Justice Leagues Under the Sea, or, I’m Still Not Aquaman

Only the best characters hang out in the back right.

Only the best characters hang out in the middle back right.

With Man of Steel, the likely springboard of DC Comics’ film universe, just two months away rumors are beginning to circulate that the supposed script for a potential Justice League movie has been scrapped.

Good.

In case you’ve forgotten, this hypothetical Justice League film’s super team lineup included everyone but the team’s de facto leader, their secret weapon, their best and brightest shining star: Aquaman. And in case you have forgotten the words of my house: “I want to be Aquaman, I need to be Aquaman, make me Aquaman immediately or I will blog all about it.” So step aside Channing Tatum (or just come over and hang out and throw back a few brews and we’ll bro out) because I was born to command the forces of Atlantis and lead them to cinematic glory. I was born for the role of Aquaman.

And I will have it.

But alas, we aren’t quite there yet as while I am currently presumably the front runner to play Aquaman the public at large apparently does not understand why the public at large wants to watch a movie with Aquaman in it.

Understanding commence.

Aquaman is a character that provides a familiar origin, being the son of two worlds, but one that still leaves plenty of literary food for thought to mull over. He’s a fish out of water (shut up) and is pretty much consistently treated like one despite being essentially the king of the ocean. This gives Aquaman an interesting perspective and places him in an interesting position in the world. He rules over 75% of the planet and yet is constantly ostracized and alienated by the 25% of the planet he struggles so valiantly to protect.

Waddup with that?

This discrepancy makes for interesting storytelling and social commentary in my oral narrative fan fiction and it would probably work in a movie too. He can harvest the powers of the ocean and everything in it, he’s a pretty powerful dude, and yet he spends most of his time fighting to protect people that constantly berate him for talking to fish (I’m looking at you everybody at work. I know you’re all just jealous). It’s certainly not an unheard of dynamic but it’s an interesting one none the less that could make for some pretty dope characterization.

But let’s get back to the fish whispering. How ridiculous is it to have a guy talking to fish when his peers are billionaire vigilantes, super space aliens, space cops and amazons? Well, actually it’s still pretty ridiculous. He can influence sea life and manipulate water, clearly sobriety played no part in his creation. I mean what does a guy like that do against a multi-dimensional space monster like Darkseid?

Exactly!

Half the fun of seeing Aquaman on film would be watching him hold his own against his more traditionally powered buddies using his uniquely ridiculous abilities. You don’t exactly have to rack your brain for creative solutions when you’re Superman, but watching Aquaman spring into action is a different story.

When Superman gets trapped in a box, he just punches that box.  When Aquaman gets trapped in a box who knows what could happen! Perhaps he uses his influence over water to melt the polar ice caps and raise the sea levels giving sea creatures freer reign and access to more nutrients so that they can be more plentiful and evolve and grow wings and then a narwhal flies over and pokes the box open for him. Perhaps he just punches it! I mean, it is only a box. Point is, Aquaman’s powers are from a pallet slightly more off kilter than most of the Justice League heroes and in creative hands they could be the best part of a Justice League film.

Powers aren’t everything though. Sometimes good old fashioned fisticuffs are all you need to get booties in seats. I don’t know about you, but when I want to watch brutal fisticuffs, I want a trident to be involved. Guess what ? Aquaman has a trident! Is it awesome to watch Green Lantern make a giant green punching glove and deck some dude in the balls? Absolutely. Is it thrilling to watch Batman throw batarangs at dudes and then shoot them with a grappling hook in the balls? Positively. But at the end of the day nothing beats seeing a guy in green tights and orange fish scales stabbing a guy to death with a trident in the balls.

But wait! There’s more! All of the awesome stuff I’ve been talking about? With Aquaman you can put it underwater! Diners are pretty neat huh? Well just imagine how much neater they would be underwater! Do you like your Playstation? Imagine it underwater! The ocean could provide a whole new aesthetic for scenes throughout a Justice League movie, particularly when juxtaposed with Smallville or Gotham or outer space. It’s a setting that can provide a change of pace and scenery as well as some awesome visuals. Just think of the Blu Ray!

Of course the number one reason to go underwater, or to even put Aquaman in the movie to begin with, is sharks.

Sharks!

Yes. For the love of God, yes.

Yes. For the love of God, yes.

Picture this: Batman and Superman are all angry at each other because that’s what happens in the beginning of a team up movie before everybody looks past their differences and pulls together as one. Also they are at an ocean I guess. Superman is pretty strong and Batman is all like “you’re pretty strong” but then he hits Superman with a kryptonite stick and Superman is all like “oh shit” and basically they are both being very loud and then all the sudden Aquaman is like “hey cut it out we have to look past our differences and pull together as one and you are being very loud” and Superman and Batman just look at Aquaman and then look at each other and then look at the camera all like “get a load of this guy” and they stick their tongues out at him and make farting sounds and then Aquaman turns to the camera and shrugs and says “it’s a living” and then has them eaten by a giant shark! And then the shark turns to the camera and is all like “it’s a living” and then it eats Aquaman!

Tell you what, scratch Aquaman. If Warner Bros can put a shark in the Justice League movie without him they have my blessing. In fact, I would prefer putting the Justice League into a shark movie. I guess what I’m trying to say is I would really like a direct to DVD sequel to the 1999 Tom Jane/LL Cool J epic Deep Blue Sea.

But short of that, there should totally be a Justice League movie and Aquaman should totally be in it and Aquaman should totally be me.

The end?

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