The 2013 Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Initiative, or, Dad Attack!

New Years is a time of renewal, both for the calendar industry and for hard working, red blooded Americans everywhere – myself included. This year I made it of particular self-importance to really take the beginning of 2013 and reinvent myself personally, professionally and spiritually and what better way to start than with a dogmatic adherence to a New Year’s resolution that will help me ascend the ranks of men and legend alike.

So yeah, I’m watching every Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson film that comes out in 2013, a.k.a. the 2013 Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Initiative.

Enter Snitch, The Rock’s first feature film of 2013.

Look. A truck.

Look. A truck.

Basically, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has a really shitty son.

More complexly, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson owns a construction company and a Ford F-250 and is divorced and his estranged son gets snitched on by some dumb snitch and ends up in jail and the jail is all like “if you snitch on some other dumb snitch you can maybe not be in jail so much” and then Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s kid is all like “I ain’t no snitch” and then the Rock is all like “you are a terrible snitch and the worst son of all of the sons” and then decides that if his son won’t snitch then maybe he can snitch for him by infiltrating the world of snitches and snitching on them to the snitch master.

Also Shane From “Jon Bernthal” The Walking Dead is in it.

Snitch is a movie about fathers and collars. It’s a what-if that asks what actions a father is willing to take for a son whether those actions are beyond their financial or psychological means or not. The movie is at its best when it focuses on this paternal theme, particularly when paired with the juxtaposition between Johnson and Bernthal’s characters, a.k.a. Dwayne n’ Shane, a.k.a. the Snitch Snatch Boys.

The Rock owns a construction company that he built from the ground up. He may have been a blue collar worker back in the day, but his elaborate mini-mansion suggests it’s been a long time since his last Larry the Cable Guy Show. Shane, on the other hand, just left the orange collar world of prison behind to try to pick up the pieces of his family life. He works for The Rock picking up bags of things and moving them over to other places and stuff I guess, and he keeps his head down because at the end of the day he’s not just moving those bags of things for The Rock, he’s moving them for his wife and son.

So naturally, when The Rock’s “Son of the Year” ends up in jail the two dads “dad out” like no dads have ever “dadded” before. They drive trucks full of drugs and go to buildings full of drugs and sneak around parking lots full of drugs. Sometimes they even use a wire and talk about drugs.

Oh yeah, and then three-quarters of the way through the movie they just say “screw it” and murder basically everybody with guns and trucks and bigger trucks.

Unfortunately none of those murders are very awesome because at the end of the day Snitch is something of a political science paper disguised as an action movie. It’s a portrait of a justice system that leaves every entity caught within it a slave to someone else. As a convict Shane has to answer to essentially any employer that will have him. The Rock has to answer to a local prosecutor, played by a cardboard cutout of Susan Sarandon, who is running for Senate. The campaigning prosecutor has to answer to the fickle whims of the voters. The voters have to answer to a war on drugs that is broken and arguably causes more harm to innocents than it does to drug runners. It’s all interesting stuff and it makes for a great discussion – but it doesn’t make for a very exciting action movie.

Snitch made me think, but it didn’t make me pump my fists and kick the person sitting in front of me in the back of the head then pantomime pumping and firing a shotgun into the air. Not even once.

Also, one time, The Rock cried.

Two dads. Best friends. Dwayne n' Shane.

Two dads. Best friends. Dwayne n’ Shane.

Also, all of the Spanish subtitles were written in caps lock! I don’t think I’m reading too far into anything when I state that the creative powers that be behind Snitch are out to perpetuate a “kill the gringo” Tex-Mex agenda.

I didn’t see any English subtitles in Snitch – and they certainly weren’t in all caps!

I’m sure Snitch thought it could pull the wool over our eyes by blinding us with the sweat glistening across Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s pulsating biceps, but you’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to sneak a new world order of linguistic hierarchy by me.

Nice try “Dwayne.”

It’s this kind of perceptiveness that leads me to believe that my 2013 Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Initiative really is paying off and making me a better person. I mean, look at how good I perceived all of the things in that movie. I knew I was on the right track.

G.I. Joe Retaliation – here I come.

I mean seriously, have you seen that trailer with the Seven Nation Army dub step? I think there may have even been an El Camino in there!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s