It may have been just a coincidence that J.J. Abrams was announced as the director of Star Wars Episode VII at the same time that Aquaman and the Justice League battled Atlantis is the DC Comics crossover event “Throne of Atlantis,” but it will go down in history as a coincidence of cosmically epic proportions.
Because I, not Jesse James Abrams, was supposed to – no, destined to – direct Star Wars Episode VII. Don’t believe me? The Word document on my computer entitled “3p150d37” begs to differ, as does my valiant Twitter campaign #lawson2015 (thanks for nothing, twelve Twitter followers). Before Cloverfield McStarTrek came along I was destined to be… so much more. There was going to be Boba Fett and a double General Grevious and an army of Marion Cotillard clones and now the world will never know the true potential of the Star Wars franchise. So, thanks a lot Hollywood a.k.a. Holly wouldn’t let me direct Star Wars Episode VII.
Whilst drowning my sorrows on behalf of America and plunging through Geoff Johns’ New 52 run of Aquaman, however, the stars aligned.
Of course I’m not supposed to be the director of the next entry in the Star Wars franchise – a massive, multi-billion dollar staple of every generation since the 1970s that’s influence on pop culture will never die. I was destined for something greater. Far greater.
Episode VII isn’t the only tentative money maker set for 2015 – alongside the sequel to Marvel’s The Avengers, DC has carved out a 2015 release date for its proposed film adaptation of the Justice League.
It’s easy to be skeptical about another superhero team up romp. It seems like nothing short of a miracle that The Avenger’s didn’t end up falling flat on its own face. But it’s also easy to be incredibly pumped for the film adaptation of Justice League and the possibilities it presents for a DC cinematic universe, particularly considering the strength of the New 52 and the current DC comics’ universe.
Scott Snyder’s Batman and the current Death of the Family arc (mediocre tie-ins notwithstanding), Animal Man, Swamp Thing and the ambitious Rotworld crossover and Geoff Johns’ trifecta of Green Lantern, Aqua Man and Justice League are all fantastic books that provide all kinds of fodder for screenwriters.
The New 52 Justice League in particular has been pretty solid, especially its opening run, which saw the forming of the Justice League in response to an attack by Darkseid. The first several issues did an excellent job of minimizing tiresome origin stories and maximizing forward momentum while simultaneously reintroducing characters that most everyone already knows; Batman, Green Lantern, Superman, The Flash, Wonder Woman, Aquaman and Cyborg.
They’re a pretty awesome – almost exclusively white male – team whose personalities and mythologies offer some pretty great character moments amongst all kinds of great action. Every character brings something to the table.
Cut to a recent rumor published in Latino Review supposedly revealing the line-up of the 2015 film’s Justice League; Batman, Green Lantern, Superman, The Flash and Wonder Woman.
Go figure – they took out the black guy. But if I’m being honest, I was never too big a fan of Cyborg, because I’ve never been too big a fan of cyborgs. Still, it’s an interesting exception should the rumor prove to be true.
But I’m going to move on to the other exception to the line-up, one that tasks me something fierce.
Yeah Aquaman isn’t the least silly super hero ever made, but if the New 52 and Geoff Johns have proven anything it’s that he’s a viable hero that has massive potential for badassery and characterization alike. He’s a child of two worlds. He’s a king. He can commune with godamn sharks. What’s not to love!
All of that awesomeness aside Aquaman brings a dense mythology to the table that could really serve to further diversify an already eclectic mix of textures present in the DCU. Gotham is great, Metropolis is great, space is great but a little salt water never hurt anyone. How cool would it be to see Aquaman swimming against the seascape of Atlantis with a bunch of sharks and whales and squids and crap.
And let’s not forget the scores of comic relief provided by DC’s resident whipping boy. Geoff Johns has done a great job of finding the happy medium between Aquaman as a badass and Aquaman as the butt of every other joke.
Yeah doing Aquaman is a risk that if done wrong could blow up in DC’s face, but if a Justice League movie, or even a standalone movie of his own, could do Aquaman justice it’s hard not to imagine him becoming a fan favorite – which leads me back to my ludicrously atrocious snub by those punk ass bitches in Hollywood.
They owe me, you and the rest of the Western entertainment conglomerate and I’m going to cash in for all of us.
I want to be Aquaman.
I was born to be Aquaman.
The blondness, the whiteness, the ability to swim, the passion for sharks eating the shit out of things, a comically rugged jawline – all attributes shared by myself and one Arthur Curry also known as Orin also known as Aquaman.
With Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight franchise wrapped up and Marvel’s The Avengers looming over DC like a monolithic statue of Robert Downey Jr.’s middle finger DC needs all the help it can get to launch a film universe to rival that of Marvel’s. And in this instance, “all the help it can get” goes by the name of me.
Sure they’ve got Man of Steel coming down the pipeline this May and some vague jibber jabber about the aforementioned Justice League movie coming out in 2015 (#lawson2015 #suckitjj), but I think it’s abundantly clear that there’s one thing the DC film universe needs desperately if it wants to survive its post-Nolan years with dignity.
And what better way to turn DC Comics’ future film endeavors into a veritable pizazz pizza parlor than to cast me – recent college graduate and longtime Bon Jovi fan – as Aquaman in a feature film that will launch the Justice League universe into the cinematic stratosphere.
Picture, if you will, an exterior. Women and children run about on a beautiful sunny beach bathed in crisp sunlight in the middle of July when suddenly the unthinkable happens – some sort of water or ocean based bad guy comes out of the water or the sky or something with some kind of trident or fire hydrant gun or shark teeth or something. Oh shit! And all the ladies and the children are screaming and hollering and carrying on like nobody’s business and the bad guy’s laughing and causing a ruckus and shit and everything’s all bad you guys – like so bad. And then there’s some sort of lady in a bikini or something trying to protect her dumb kid and the bad guys about to do something like hit her with a hose or feed the kid to a narwhal or something when all the sudden, just in the nick of time… a gruff but lovable, vaguely post-pubescent voice calls through the salty summer air.
“Hey, stop it or something. Probably something way wittier. Like if the bad guy were a stingray theme I would say looks like everybody doesn’t love Raymond anymore, or if it were a rain theme I would say something like you are retarded for doing that, just like Rain Man was retarded for counting all of those pencils or cards of whatever or something.”
The woman looks to the sound of the awesome, super clever voice to see… Aquaman: a 5’8”, 160 pound, 22-year-old mom-approved stud muffin with just enough facial hair to make shaving a biweekly concern.
The woman stares at Aquaman all horny or whatever and the bad guy stares at Aquaman all pissed and shit and Aquaman is all “Get your mind out of the gutter” and then he stabs the bad guy in the brain with a trident and takes it out of the guys skull and THROWS IT INTO A GUTTER and then he’s all like “both of you!”
Holy shit that was awesome.
Much like Robert Downey Jr.’s Tony Stark inarguably solidified Marvel’s film universe as a viable blockbuster juggernaut, my performance and interpretation of Aquaman would turn everything it touched into Oscar bait.
Get it? Bait? Like fish? Like fish bait? Because fish are aquatic? Aquatic? Aqua? Aquaman?
Now you get it.
Hollywood owes it to me and you and everyone and Aquaman to pay me a lot of money to be Aquaman in a series of viral feature film events. Tell your senator! Tell your congressman! Tell your mom! Together we can all achieve our collective vision of achieving my singular vision of being Aquaman.
So hop to it assholes! I’m impatient as shit!